7 Arivu 2011

Where do I begin?
7 am arivu, roughly translates as 7'th sense. It should have been named the 7 nonsenses. I feel for Murugadoss, he had a fantastic plot. A great idea inspired from a may or may not be south Indian called Bodhidharma ( not proven yet, check wikipedia) and a great connection to modern day India and it's red neighbour. But he decides that since he is the director he has to do everything (direct, dialogue, story and screenplay and even appear onscreen) with devastating results.

The first portion starts of with great promise. Surya in the Pallava era is yum yum yummy. The only distraction is that Muragadoss takes a leaf out of Goutham Menon's book and goes for the easiest route - Narration. Ok, we suspend disbelief and bask in Surya's expressive eyes and six pack, or was it eight? and beautiful locales. Then we return to modern India and here the 7 nonsenses start one after the other.
Spoilers Galore!

Nonsense 1:

We are the sineese. We speak like the Bangalis and look like the Assamese.
All the chinese officials speak English at their official meetings.
We hab to keeeel her.
Then there is the state sponsored Bio war on India. Wow, Mr. Murugs do we really need to escalate hatred, when everyone else is trying just the opposite? And who do the Chinese hire - Shaolin Mind bending monks who are actually Thai ofcourse!


Nonsense 2:

Girl, you have a beautiful voice when you sing. Stick to it. Acting - well Kamal Haasan's acting genes and your mummy's grace genes have yet to be activated, try lying in a water tank for a few days. Cos that's the brilliant thing you do to activate Bodhidharma's dna as a final year Bio Engineering student.
Yes, heights of educational nonsense. A final year project that is the envy of the world, never done before yet can be done with a tank of water, ECG machine and an injection on the spine sourced from Apollo pharmacies while eating food from Nilgiris and speaking on Aircel cellphones. If only our educational system was this good!


PS: The item girl /backup dancer should not wear the same dress you wear in a song before you. And I have the same Biba salwar you wore, same pinch, for once I'm the fasion trendy! and change your stylist.



Nonsense 3:

Dont language lickass, that regime is long gone, even if they produced your movie.Especially if you give one of the most englipeess peterrr accented heroines, a sutha thamizh support speech after some unnecessary monkey/donkey insult is hurled at it. Then you make it a bharani paatu (for the uninitiated - a litany of cuss words)




Nonsense 4:

Yes we have to bring in the directors politics in a sci fi / fantasy /romance movie and make some long winded, confusing statement without naming the country or the guerilla organisation and then give a meaningful pause at the end while the audience scrambles their mind to find out what was just said.

Then the putting the females down. For  moment I thought I was in an Illai Thalapathi movie. The girl rejects boy and suddenly the entire female species is a fooking biyyatch!



Nonsense 5:

24 is long gone, we dont need those backward countdown on black background to distract from already maddeningly distracting movie.


Nonsense 6:

6 a)The mindfucking with a glance was taking to lengths until it became the sole plot forwarder. The only reason I didn't walk out of the theater after the 28'th time it was used, was because of the guy doing it. He was as hot as Thai curry and as cool as ice kachang and tragically yummier than redhead Surya.

b) And a whole police station is massacred, a whole junction full of cars demolished and nobody investigates!

c) Final fight scene among maple leaves!!





Nonsense 7:

The biggest nonsense in the movie, the one that takes it to another level of nonsense. The nonscience!
Director of the hits, please. You were making a movie with a plot that totally hinges on the science, in a state known for its engineers and scientists (who are all settled abroad of course) then please hire a science consultant, or even a first year BSc science student, they will tell you, you were so wide off the mark that even the Hindu Makkal Katchi will scoff at your theories. Dude, you shot in IIT, you should have just asked a passing nerd to fill in the gaps. All he would have needed in exchange was a look at shruti haasan's discarded underwear, bra strap or something.


PPS: Now there were bits of sense, like the time the villiciousness kills the fast track guy. The ordinary gutter cleaner and college girl doing what passes for Shaolin king fu - great and ofcourse, poor Surya who tried so so hard, but his hair colour will be remembered more than his role in this movie. Again - Brilliant choice of villain hotness.

3/10 mainly due to the nonscience.

Johnny English Reborn 2011

Rowan Atkinson, please stick to Mr. Bean.  The movies drags on without a clue whether it wants to be a bond movie or the spoof of one. Rowan Atkinson meanders through the movie wondering whether he is on a Bond movie set or a Mr. Bean one. There is a token black guy, Gillian Anderson looks over botoxed and Rosamund Pike (doesn't she look like Audrey Tautou?)looks pretty dumb. Sorry, pretty and dumb.
Miss it unless you are a hardcore Mr. Bean fan.
2/10

Drive 2011

This homage to 70's or 80's style movie making with the neon pink opening credits and Ryan Gosling as the hero left me disoriented for a moment, trying to adjust to a whole new aesthetic where Ryan Gosling was a action hero, pink neon was acceptable for a macho movie and the dark ,slow pace was in store, rather than the quick, in your face, move or die movies that we have today.

Ryan Gosling is a getaway driver, stunt driver, mechanic and loner. Shown beautifully in that order without three complete sentences being spoken. Carey Mulligan is Irene, his neighbour, mother of Benecio and wife of Standard, currently in jail. Again shown in that order with minimum fuss and maximum effect. They start spending some time together and soon the driver is part of the little family. Shannon (Bryan Cranston) is the father figure mechanic/manager who has big plans for the driver. Borrowing money from Bernie (Albert Brooks) and partner Nino (Ron Perlman) to fund a car to race with the driver. The bluish days and almost sepia nights pass and the characters build up slowly. Then a small conflict appears, the husband returns from prison. Loving and repentant. We wonder where these beautifully, slowly carved characters are sliding down to. Sliding down they are, the mood of premonition is strong. Each shot is like a story in itself. If I have used the word beautiful too much, it's too less. The husband is beaten up by some goons to whom he owns money and now think they own him. They want him to rob a pawn shop or else...Driver helps because he knows the violence is going to spill to the mother and child. Whatever build up the characters had, shatters, yet we want more. The film progresses in an unpredictable orchestra of silence and violence.  Foreplay, but with S & M overtones, the masochistic audience opens up with the smooth caresses, the silences and the thrill of repressed aggression then BAM! Blood and brains splatter around to animal screams, it slaps us in the face, we turn out of breathe, yet we want more. And each time we think the climax is approaching, the veil of aggressive silence falls back again. Albert Brooks is brilliant, Christina Hendricks in a small yet memorable role (I'm partial to her curves, mostly hidden here) Carey Mulligan does a competent job, the kid is cute and not irritatingly so, the only down side being Ryan Gosling who looks slightly uncomfortable, but we know is at his very best.

9/10

Plugged - Eoin Colfer

The writer of Artemis Fowl and the gutsy sequeler of Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy, you know you will have a good time reading Mr. Colfer. So did not hesitate paying the 10% money and lending the book. It was funny and hard to believe and the romance was more in lines of 10 year olds who pull the pigtails of the girls they have crushes on, but all in all fun.

Dan is an Irish, ex peacekeeper who works as a bouncer at a bar/casino/prostitution hellhole. There is a lot of guns and fighting involved and a fair bit of irish mockery. But somewhere along the line you feel the writers voice, a very low esteemed writers voice wondering if all this working. People are shot, the hero saves the day, then he does it again and then again. And it all ends happily. Somewhat.

Mankatha 2011

Anticipation is a bitch. More so when you finally get to see the movie all that energy is wasted. Mankatha was like a slap on the face. It was like Venkat Prabhu played a game - on us. The opening credits are wonderful, walk out after it if you value three hours of your time.

This piece of *&$^%* movie starts with an an action sequence that is average and then leads to a song that has Laxmi Rai gyrating in one of the ugliest dresses I have seen. Ajith dances around her like he is ashamed of being there, which he should be. We are then introduced to "action king" Arjun (we are reminded he is an "action king" throughout the movie) who is part of some special force to tackle betting. The usual Venkat Prabhu characters appear, who are all part of the betting evil in some way or the other. This also includes Trisha and her betting boss father. They all plan to steal the betting money that will come in during the IPL finals and they do and then everybody double crosses and triple crosses each other.

Ajith's salt and pepper hair and a wonderful drunk dialogue in a car are the only high points. "Action King Arjun" looks so haggard that at a point where a green plate is smashed against his face, the plate and face look the same colour. Premji does the same old thing and this time the 'trying so hard to be funny' background music and 'one liners out of some parallel dimension that has no connection to what is happening in the scene' make you feel like puking. The horrible songs land out of nowhere. This has tempted me to write a letter to Venkat Prabhu and Ajith.

Dear Mr. Venkat Prabhu and Ajith,

I will keep this letter as short simple bullet points since I know you suffer from some sort of attention deficit disorder. How else can your movie jump from one point to another with rhyme or reason.

1. The public is not composed of people with the IQ level of George Bush.

2. You want to copy a Hollywood/Bollywood movie. Copy it well.

3. Cool dialogue writing does not mean sprinkling words like "Money Money Money" and "Silly Girl" and ofcourse the going to be cult classic "Cheap Phone" 

4. Even drunken, drug fueled, schizophrenic writing can be better. Try it. 

5.  Shame on you for spending crores on this movie without even having a basic plot or idea about how movies are made. Watch people abroad do a million times better work than you - on TV - week after week. eg Hustle, Leverage, Numbers and so much more. Even the most stupid of VIP episodes is better than your movie.

6. IF I SEE YOU, RUN COS I WANT MY MONEY AND THREE HOURS BACK!!

Captain America 2011

Captain America released on the Indian Independence Day weekend was irony enough. The story of digitally shrunk Steve Rogers turning into the six packed Captain America should have been a fun watch, instead, after the first half of building up, it turns into a campy, corny almost Captain Vijaykanth type of B movie.

Steve Rogers is the impossibly tiny. asthmatic guy with the proverbial heart of gold, never give up attitude and can take punches all day long. Please remember because they keep irritatingly recurring throughout the movie. He is spotted giving an impassioned speech about joining the army after 4 failed tries by Stanley Tucci's character and immediately drafted into a special programme that ultimately hopes to create super soldiers. Perfect backstory for a villian nowadays, but this is Captain America. He is first used as a PR tool to sell war bonds. Then the heroine tells him he is meant for bigger things so he goes to rescue a group of captive soldiers. Meanwhile Mr. Smith/ V / Elrond /Megatron who is also the Red Skull finds some blue coloured cube that we the audience has no idea about. Then he keeps running from Captain America although he is strong enough to kick  his ass. In between he also tears away his skin and bleeds through his ear.  Then the futuristic weapons and multitude of super soldiers have one glaring weakness. They can never shoot straight. Even Captain Vijaykanth puts in some bullets scraping him. The blah blah and he crashes in the arctic to save the world and wakes up in Voila! 2011.
There is some peggy female with impeccable lipstick too. She is the only woman around and some feminist lines are spewed, but everybody is too busy staring at her curves and siren pout.

I have no clue how it got so many good reviews. At its best, its a backstory for the Avengers movie.

4/10

The Last Airbender - 2010

One hit wonder Manoj N Shyamalan tries and fails so miserably that you are left looking at a movie that reminds you of some expensive, exotic animal that has turned into roadkill. The acting so wooden, the lines so cliched, you can almost say them along with the characters even if you have never seen the movie before. It's an insult to the viewer. The storyline has so much promise  - The fire nation (run by Indians) has taken over the water. earth and air bending nations. Bending involves manipulating the elements and an avatar can manipulate all the elements. All the benders have been massacred by the fire nation when an avatar who was stuck in ice for a 100 years appears. Then the stupidity begins. I sincerely hope that more money is not wasted on sequels. That money would find better use even if it was sunk to the bottom of the ocean where M N Shyamalan cannot ever reach it or even try to make another movie.

2/10